But, What About The Complainers?

Complaining primarily accomplishes one thing, and that one thing, (sarcastic of course, in saying that it “accomplishes” anything) is that it holds back the complainers from achieving anything in their work or relationships.  In the preceding post, the actual point of complaining was explored a little deeper to understand its purpose.  You could argue that you really can’t assess anything, until you understand it’s meaning and purpose.

So…now what? After agreeing that it rarely if ever achieves anything positive, the next question in the war on complaining should be, what about the complainers?  What do I do about all the negative people around me?  How do I handle my whiny co-workers?  How can I relate to them in a positive way?  How can I best respond to their complaints or general attitude?

These are very fair questions.  Controlling your own complaining is only half the battle.  Going into a negative workplace, or living in a home filled with negative attitudes is the other half.  And, left un-addressed, the negativity will absolutely grind you down.  It will.  In a bad example – it’s almost like the law of gravity, attitudes more easily head downwards, than upwards.  Likewise, negative people will always have an easier time pulling positivity down than the other way.  This is why it’s so critical to have a game plan.

Here are 5 helpful ways to handle complainers:

1. Be Proactive – Waiting for a complainer to complain, is like hoping McDonald’s puts ketchup in the bag. Sure, you can deal with it once you pull away from the drive-thru window and get back on the highway, but it’s quite obnoxious and inconvenient to say the least.  Anticipate my friends.  When a recent issue pops up in your department, or some drama within your group of friends – anticipate some form of negativity.  By the way, feeling a negative response to less-than-pleasing news isn’t complaining.  But, how you process and then verbalize it, is what matters.  When Tim drops by your cube and starts out with the “Can you believe…XYZ!?”, have a planned response.  Same goes for your significant other, your friends, your kids, whatever.  Expecting these issues will help you reinforce positive thinking to overcome them.

2. Use Humor – I really think some people flat out need to loosen up. Injecting some humor into your conversations, meetings, and conference calls isn’t a bad thing.  People take life too seriously enough as it is.  And complainers certainly are the gold standard of this.  As I’m thinking on this topic…maybe this is subliminal message to me as I am currently re-watching some old episodes of The Office (wow, I forgot how funny that show is).  Personally, I love humor as a good response to complaining.  Just go along with the complainer, being totally and overtly sarcastic of course.  It’s a given, but you really need to use good discretion here and have some tact about it, as well as choose wisely who you do this with (Disclaimer – might not recommend doing so with someone in authority over you).  Once they realize you’re mocking them, the complaining will stop real quick.  Added plus – it will make you laugh, and laughing is good.

3. Play Devil’s Advocate – The good ol’ devil’s advocate technique. Everyone’s most hated tactic in conversation.  But, arguably super effective.  The devil’s advocate always pits an idea against the group, with the intention of solidifying a sound decision based on evaluating alternatives.  So, Mr. Negative starts ranting about a person they don’t care for, or a new change in the office that doesn’t meet their standards.  They’re looking to you to confirm their argument.  Instead, shift your counterpoint to an adverse argument.  If you’re hearing a complaint about how terrible things are for this person, make mention of a more difficult scenario.  Complaining about a 30-minute commute suddenly seems petty when contrasted with a 90-minute drive that another coworker has.  Complainers often need to be reminded that things aren’t as bad as they seem, and that someone else always has it worse.  It might not change their behavior, but then again, it can’t hurt.

4. Propose Solutions – Ultimately, this strikes at the heart of complaining. True complainers don’t propose solutions.  They whine about situations and harp on the negatives, but rarely offer suggestions.  When you hear a colleague or friend grumbling about something or someone, simply ask them “well, have you brought your concerns to …?”.  More often than not, the answer in response will be no.  Another line of question could be to make suggestions to them – “If you feel that way, I really think you should offer a proposal on a way to make ‘this’ better.”  This isn’t at all to poke fun or minimize their complaint, but rather to help them think differently about it.  By offering an alternative though on the topic, you’re really sending the message of ‘what do you propose instead’, and this suggestion, unlike complaining, actually does create change.

5. Sympathize but Hold Your Ground – This last reminder is arguably the most important. Be a good listener.  Some complaints are legit, we all know that.  There are things that happen in work, life, and relationships that downright suck, there’s no denying that.  So first of all, if someone you like and respect comes to you with a topic that’s bothering them, don’t immediately and incorrectly assume they’re complaining.  Treating criticism as complaining keeps things complacent, and unchanging, and that’s not good.  Criticism sometimes needs to be heard.  But when it truly becomes complaining, sympathize first.  Understand where they’re coming from.  It’s possible even, that you’ve had the same thoughts.  To keep harmony with your friends, family, coworkers, etc. you’ve got to be willing to be a listening ear.  It starts there, and then your actions can move towards the response, but only after you demonstrate your ability to hear the message.

Patience is the name of the game.  Getting worked up, frustrated, or losing your cool is the way NOT to handle complainers.  A level-head will always prevail.  Try some of these tactics the next time your square off with your beloved complainer.  Maybe the outcome will be different.